Ur my pain, Yet I long 4 U...

I can't stop it.

How do I deal with this?

I thought I put this away but it keeps resurfacing in my life.

Everywhere I turn its there!

Pain.

Hey, how you doing? We meet again...I can't forget about you because with practically every move I make in life you're there to remind me that I'm still dealing with you.

Pain.

They love me. Yea, they do.

And sometimes I love them too but in a way that I should be loving you! You didn't take me out to dinner at nice restaurants to show me how I should expect to be treated. You didn't stop to make phone calls to find out what I needed.

You didn't tell me u love me. U didn't show me how I should be loved.

You didn't tell me why I was supposed to secure my "goods".

Where were you when I needed to be taught how not to provoke a man?

Why didn't you tell me how to pick up on the clue and realize that he's just not that into me?

You should've been the one to tell me that he wasn't your choice for me and not to call him after he dropped me off home at 2am!

You should've been here when that nigga made me cry, to tell me that he didn't really care for me! You should've held me. But you didn't!

So now I'm trying to figure out why the hell I get so attached to a guy when he shows me the least bit of affection.
When he holds my hand I squeeze really tight because I'm secretly hoping that he wants to guide me through the phases of true love.
I intertwine my fingers in his hoping that he will protect me from all the things you didn't!
But when he corrects me I look at him side ways and in the back of my mind I'm wondering "why does he think he's my daddy?".
Who is gonna be there to make sure the oil in my car is changed and make sure that I have a spare tire in my trunk?

When a guy realizes that he wants to spend his life with me who is he supposed to go to and ask for my hand in marriage? Are u gonna be there to give me away? Nope. You haven't been there and I suppose I never will. Yet you find a way to show up and remind me that what I want from you is what I'm looking for in him!

So I'm sitting up at 3:07 am crying rivers from my eyes longing for YOU! For you to tell me that you will always love me. And longing for you to sit and listen to my silent cries and tell me everything is gonna be alright.

How is it that the very thing I long for is the root of all my pain?

Hey Daddy

I was 12 years old the first time u and I eva met
Nothing like how I imagined didn't know what to expect
Kinda cute so I could see why the ladies put u on a throne
But time revealed to them, and now me that poppa was a rolling stone.
Had I known I'd only see ya every once in a while
I woulda never even half way believed that I was really your child
Just me, mamma, my lil brother and sister
That's all I knew and to this day ur still just a "mister".
You missed every singing engagement and all the basketball games
But when your church needed a song I was there, aint that a shame?!
Like many girls I was seeking that fatherly love
I searched all around but never bothered to look above.
Sure enuff mamma taught be about the bee's and the birds
I took notes from her life so every word she said was heard
Hey daddy, on 2 of my teams I was voted MVP
I wore #11 until High School then I switched to #23
I played badminton, was a cheerleader, and I even ran track
I went to college as 1, came back as 1, I'm still 1 how bout that?
I was never a late night dancer, never had a rep' of being "shone"
But I'm guilty of looking to men to fill the void of being alone
I thought I was past my anger of thinking I never made u proud
U never treated me like ur child but ima child of God and I'll say it loud!
Hey daddy, I'm a child of God and I tell it wherever I go
I'm serving with attitude God and I thought that u should know
I still love u and not just because God says so but because its right
I'll pray for you and for my strength
Signed,
Daughter of the Most High